Spiritual Friendship
Many popular songs capture the emotions of human friendship. Even when a secular song is catchy, we often find lyrics that reduce friendship to convenience, shared vices, or simple emotional comfort. In the Catholic sense, the word “friendship” means something much deeper and holier. Catholic theology offers the idea of “spiritual friendship” to better account for our identity as children of God. We are created for communion with one another and for eternal friendship with our Creator. As Lay Dominicans, our Pillar of Community provides the context for practicing “spiritual friendship.”
The Theological Foundation
The cornerstone of spiritual friendship finds its source in the very nature of God, who, as we profess, is a communion of three persons in one nature. W. Norris Clarke, S.J., in The One and the Many, illustrates this:
“It is through action, and only through action, that real beings manifest or ‘unveil’ their being, their presence, to each other and to me. All the beings that make up the world of my experience thus reveal themselves as not just present, standing out of nothingness, but actively presenting themselves to others and vice versa by interacting with each other." 1
Since we are made in God’s image, we can then say we are built for active relationships. Scripture also confirms this: "It is not good that the man should be alone."2 Even Christ gave us an example by calling His disciples not servants, but friends,3 showing that the end goal of human relationship is to share in His divine life.
Insights from St. Aelred of Rievaulx
St. Aelred of Rievaulx (1110–1167), a 12th-century Cistercian abbot, wrote his masterwork Spiritual Friendship (De Spiritali Amicitia) as a Christian adaptation of Cicero’s classical treatise on friendship.4
1) God is friendship: Aelred views divine nature as loving, relational, and communicative. Because we are made in the image of a relational God, interpersonal connection is part of creation's fabric.
2) The Ascent to Christ: Aelred believes that human love and spiritual friendships are a training ground for divine love. In other words, loving a friend in the spirit of Christ elevates the soul to love Christ Himself.
3) Aelred categorizes human friendship into three types: (The examples in italics are my own contemporary illustrations of the three types of friendship.)
Carnal: based on a conspiracy of vices (“Let’s buy each other drinks at the bar until we’re both really drunk!”)
Worldly: based on material gain or mutual advantage (“Let’s form a business partnership together so we can make more profit and increase our power in the market.”)
Spiritual: solidified by the pursuit of virtue, faith, and mutual love in Christ (“Let’s pray at Mass together today, and then we can pray a rosary. Let’s tell each other the truth. Let’s help each other get to heaven.”)
Perspectives from the Desert Fathers
The Desert Fathers approached human relationships with hesitation, prioritizing solitude and inner quiet to avoid distractions. However, their sayings offer wisdom on spiritual relationships formed by bearing one another’s burdens and the sacred responsibility to love our neighbor and speak the truth in charity.
St. Anthony the Great offers a statement on loving your neighbor that fits the theme of spiritual friendship. This principle matters when considering the self-sacrifice involved in living out the Pillar of Community as a Lay Dominican. Anthony says, "Our life and our death is with our neighbor. If we gain our brother, we have gained God, but if we scandalize our brother, we have sinned against Christ."5
Known for his selflessness and charity, Father Agathon was one of the most admired figures among the monks of the Egyptian desert. He found simple and practical ways to express the Christian vision of fellowship and friendship. He said, "If I could meet a leper and give him my body, and take his, I should be very happy."6 That is perfect love. He distills John 15:13: “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."7 This is a radical call when I think about my spiritual friendships within my Lay Dominican community.
Then there is St. Pier Giorgio Frassati, a Third Order Dominican (Lay Dominican) who captures a vision of spiritual friendship. Pier Giorgio attracted his friends by living out the beatitudes. He led his "Company of Shady Characters" toward a deeper faith.8 For Pier Giorgio, friendship was full of joy and adventure, but his purpose was not just to be fun; it was meant to draw his friends into the life of faith in Jesus Christ.
He also writes in one of his letters to his friends, “The bonds of true friendship are not broken by death; those whom God has united in this life will be united for eternity in heaven."9 Though he does not use the phrase “spiritual friendship,” he implies that being united in friendship can be a pilgrimage toward living together in heaven.
Personal Perspective
Spiritual friendship is a vital necessity for the soul, and it exists abundantly in my Lay Dominican Fraternity. I know that my brothers and sisters in St. Dominic care more about whether I make it to heaven than about whether I always feel “good” by the secular world’s standards. I remember a few years ago, I was personally going through a turbulent time on multiple fronts surrounding grief and major illness in my family. It was one of those times in my life when I felt surrounded by difficulty on all fronts. Yet I had spiritual friendships in my Fraternity. One of my sisters in St. Dominic would call or text just to say, “His Grace is sufficient.” That was enough to keep me focused and moving forward. I knew I was not alone. It is so easy as a sinful man to get off track or lose my footing. Sometimes it takes the candid words of a spiritual friend to cut through my defenses, so I can see the truth and direct my gaze back to Jesus.
I believe, from personal experience, that we nourish our spiritual friendships by seeking the truth, encouraging virtue, and helping each other carry our crosses. Spiritual friendship focuses on Jesus Christ. This is the song we sing.
1 W. Norris Clarke, The One and the Many: A Contemporary Thomistic Metaphysics (Notre Dame, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 2001), 31.
2 Genesis 2:18 (RSV-2CE).
3 John 15:15 (RSV-2CE).
4 Aelred of Rievaulx, Spiritual Friendship, trans. Mary Eugenia Laker (Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications,
1977), 31, 38, 61-62, http://frontporchacademy.org/aelred.pdf.
5 Abba Anthony the Great. "The Sayings of the Desert Fathers." Translated by Benedicta Ward, Cistercian
Publications, 1975, p. 6. St. Sergius Russian Orthodox Church, www.st-sergius.org/News/DF.pdf.
Benedicta Ward, trans., “The Sayings of the Desert Fathers: The Alphabetical Collection",rev. ed.
(Kalamazoo, MI:Cistercian Publications, 1984), “Agathon,” saying 26.
6 Eben De Jager, "The Powerful Sayings of the Desert Fathers," The Collector, July 10,
2025, https://www.thecollector.com/sayings-desert-fathers/.
7 John 15:13 (RSV-2CE).
8 16 Things to Know About St. Pier Giorgio Frassati on His Feast Day. Ascension Press. Accessed July 14, 2026.
https://ascensionpress.com/blogs/articles/july-4-2026-pier-giorgio-frassati-fun-facts-first-feast-day-as-a-
saint?srsltid=AfmBOorcNgzNIQb3taZas9_jYPUoAdWfeuNC_H8l8f2vS99U7EYiEc_D
9 Pier Giorgio Frassati, Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family, trans. Timothy E. Deeter (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 2009), p. 185.
Nicholas Foster made his Perpetual Profession as a Lay Dominican in 2020. He is President of the St. Catherine of Siena Fraternity in Carmel, IN. His Fraternity's Apostolate is teaching and preaching about and praying for the dead.
"I knew I was meant to be a Lay Dominican because of my undeniable attraction to the 4 pillars of the Dominican life, namely, prayer, study, community, and preaching. When I'd study the lives of Dominican Saints, it felt like a homing device in my heart was activated and leading me to proclaim the Gospel in my ordinary daily life and to seek and share the truth."
